I have such a problem and it’s that I can’t spend all my time in my bed with you. I really just need it to be three thirty so the sun will come in through curtains like it does at that time this time of year and to be as close as physically possible to you.
This is new and addicting and I had thought it wouldn’t happen again for a long time or possibly ever, but now I have to look at the ground because I’m smiling too wide to meet anyone’s eyes and watching your back while you walk away is torture. Time spent apart is torture. Catching your scent when you’re not here is torture but I started sleeping in your shirts anyway because I miss falling asleep next to you during the week.
I have gone completely insane, when I’m near you I gravitate like a magnet and my mind is gone, everything is gone but the feeling of pressure releasing and when I’m away I can regain my feet a little but I can’t get away from this and I don’t even want to.
This is new and terrifying and I am continuously afraid that you will lose interest or I will do something wrong because I’m not good at these sorts of things or you will not be getting enough out of this and leave. I have this feeling, this feeling that you are mine and you should not be able to take yourself away from me, and the clocks should stop when you’re near me because it’s not fair otherwise. You are a bright point and this is ridiculous, obsessive the way I think of you and unable, unwilling to stop. But you are a bright point and I want to spend whole days in your arms with your lips at my neck, you are a bright point and I can’t say any of this, things I’m worried you don’t know but I still have trouble making clear.
I know I’ve gone insane but you are suddenly intrinsic and I cannot stop worrying about the gap that you will leave.
"To go wrong in one’s own way is better than to go right in someone else’s."
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment (via zodiacchic)
It’s astounding how much I thought I knew that wasn’t there. I thought you were a city, I thought you were a world and all you are is a dirty little street, a dead end alley with the smell of sick in the air. I don’t love you, I don’t love you anymore. The only reason I want to keep seeing you is to remind me of that. You are distasteful, ridiculous. How could I ever have wanted you, wanted you for so long and so recently? I am still in the process of scraping my insides clean of you. There are leftover instincts, the way my heart jumps when you want to see me, but all that is fading now. You said, ‘you don’t have a hateful bone in your body’. I didn’t realize until later that I have been dreaming of killing you.
You know, you’re nothing. Yeah, you dropped acid and now you don’t smoke, now you drink grapefruit juice instead of coke you small fucking person, asking me to sneak a soda from the fridge for you because you want your father to be proud. Yeah, you only kissed me behind your girlfriend’s back for a week or so and so that makes it alright, yeah you didn’t cum so that makes it alright.
How do you feel about yourself? I took the impact you might’ve had on me and amplified it, this is all my own doing. It’s not that you’ve shrunk, you were just never as big as I wanted you to be. Limited contact starting when I was young, seeing me only at night and alone, only drunk and high and kissing too often to really speak. Yeah, I never knew you and getting to know you makes me almost hate myself, such a big idea I made out of a small thing. You haven’t been putting enough effort into my manipulation lately, the mask fell apart. I fell in love with you on my own after you told me you loved me, I cried and threw myself around my house and pined, and when you did nothing about it I fell out of love with you.
You said when it was a training exercise when you tried to rape me, years later, after asking me what happened you said you’d just been trying to show me what other men would do, if I gave them the chance.
I don’t love you anymore. How could anyone? I think you are lucky to have a girl so desperate to get away that she’ll live in your house, love you because she has no other choice.
I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye.